You only wanted mommy. Every night of the last 5, I was the only one you wanted to be near. But it still didn’t help. Thrashing, fussing, crying out.
You had me ready to throw in the towel. You broke me. You will learn in life that breaking this girl ain’t easy. But you did it. I don’t mean to imply I was going to quit being a mommy or being your wubby, but work, yeah, work loomed over my head during all of this. Poking my shoulder like an annoying sibling. Having your cake and eating it to sometimes gives you a stomach ache. Just sayin’.
I just wanted to quit and pack us all up in a caravan. See the country. At least I’d always be there for you. Your daddy could paint for people. I’d, hmmmm, I’d sing those silly songs I made up for you and your brother. Do the kid’s birthday party circuit, maybe.
Of course it’s never that easy. Work makes it possible for me to be sitting here at the doctor’s office with you. It does a lot of other things too. If I weren’t so tired I’d tell you.
And here you are at the doctor’s. Here you are sleeping so soundly, barely a trace of the ugly evenings we’ve been having.
Just know you brought mommy to the brink little man. You have power you don’t even know. I’m a strong and stubborn gal. You break me. But you make me stronger, too. When I rise above the chaos and see myself calmly holding you while you scream and thrash. Not an ounce of tension in my body. Just calm. And I start to sing one of my silly soothing songs.
“Levi, Levi don’t cry. Ribeye, Ribeye don’t cry. Momma kiss your fat thighs so don’t cry…”
You took me to the brink, but I would never jump. I just got stronger. It’s a lot easier to quit than it is to find calm in chaos and comfort it. When you fell asleep, I conquered.
At least for one more day.